


Prayer away from God

by girlsinthestars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 08:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30052446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlsinthestars/pseuds/girlsinthestars
Summary: A series of snapshots across the three times Dean has lost Cas in Purgatory.I think the prayer scene in 15.9 was a confession in its own right so I gave it context and a conclusion against the backdrop of Purgatory.
Relationships: Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 22





	Prayer away from God

The first time, Dean had Benny. He had hope and faith and love. He prayed every night, in a hell of monsters he prayed. And maybe Cas didn’t come, but Benny listened. Late one night, lit by the embers remaining of their fire, Benny listened as he prayed.

“You love him.” He said at last, making Dean jump.

“Jesus, I thought you were asleep, man!”

“The angel. Your angel. You love him.”

Dean was silent. This wasn’t earth, there was no one to lie to but Benny and himself. And he had given up lying to himself when he had dreamt about Cas for the millionth night in a row since he disappeared. There was no one for Benny to tell if he didn’t lie. If for once in his godforsaken existence he was honest.

“He’s family.” Dean said.

Benny kicked his shin. “Now that ain’t what I meant and you know it.”

Dean sighed and poked at the embers with a stick. “Yeah I do.”

“He love you?”

“Dunno.” Dean answered with a shrug.

“He’d be a fool not to.”

“You coming on to me, Benny?”

“Just sayin’ what I see, sugar.”

They didn’t talk about it again, but Dean let his touch linger when he checked Benny for wounds and slept a little closer for warmth. Benny kept calling him sugar and doll in a way that made Dean’s stomach flip.

Sometimes, when his adrenaline was high and Benny’s shirt was torn across his chest, Dean pushed Benny up against a tree and pressed his face into Benny’s neck until all he could hear was Benny’s muffled groans against his ear.

For the first time Dean let himself have what he wanted. Let himself admit who he was. He told himself this would give him the courage. When they found Cas he would tell him the truth.

Seeing Cas again made him want to cry, pulling him into a tight hug and gripping that stupid fucking coat like a lifeline. But he couldn’t bear to tell Cas here, not against a backdrop of death and grey skies.

* * *

So he lost him again. The second time, he had hunting. He buried himself in the life, in the character of Dean the hunter, the womaniser. He let Benny go, that hurt like a bitch, gave him up and went back to his old life. He was beginning to despise that life, all it seemed to do was hide him.

The second time was so much worse. He felt Cas’ absence every day, like a chunk missing from his side. He knew Cas was gone, he knew it was his fault, he knew there was no way to get him back. Sometimes he found himself praying, before he remembered there was no Cas to hear him, no one to care. 

Charlie knew. It only took one conversation for her to know something was wrong. She took him shopping for larping equipment and plied him with mall donuts.

“So… Purgatory.”

“Don’t push your luck, Charlie.” Dean warned, one that fell somewhat flat as he pointed at her with a sugary finger.

“Come on, Dean, I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”

Dean shook his head. “Not a conversation I plan on having.”

“How long did you plan for then, because I’m not giving up easy.” Charlie sat back with her arms crossed and her eyebrows raised.

“I just lost some friends, okay? Just another shit day on the job.”

“I’m sorry.” Charlie said, her voice genuine. “Tell me about them?”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it, Charlie.”

“You planning on talking to Sam about it at any point in the healing process?” Taking Dean’s eye roll as a no, Charlie continued, “Come on, man, you know whatever it is I’m not gonna tell anyone. I know you’re just gonna bury this until it drives you insane, just let go for one minute. Tell me about them.”

Dean picked some sprinkles off a donut and ate them. “His name was Benny. A vamp, I met him in purgatory. We… He saved my life. More than once. He looked out for me. I brought him with me, through the portal to earth, but… Sammy didn’t like me being close to a vamp, and this life, I mean you can’t be close to people, y’know? Just puts ‘em at risk.”

“So you let him go.”

Dean shrugged, avoiding her eyes.

“You said you lost friends. Plural.”

Dean sighed. “We told you about Cas, yeah?”

“The angel, right? Pulled you out of hell?”

Dean nodded. “Well he, uh, he got pulled into purgatory with me and… I searched all of purgatory for him to make sure he came back with us but when we got to the portal he just… he couldn’t hold on, his hand slipped and I lost him.”

“You found him just to lose him again.”

Dean nodded and focused back on the donut.

“You care about them. You care about Cas.”

Dean swallowed hard, Charlie knew, of course she knew, she read him like a book, he never stood a chance, this is why he avoided talking about Cas around her.

Charlie was quiet for a moment, picking her next words carefully. “I know the hunter community isn’t exactly a pride parade, but you deserve to be happy.”

Dean scoffed under his breath. “Happiness isn’t for us, Charlie, Sam and I, we help people, we save the world, we don’t get happy.”

“You’re an idiot. That’s not remotely true and you know it.”

“Yeah… well, doesn’t matter now anyway. He’s stuck in that washed out hellhole, he’s probably dead by now.”

* * *

Seeing Cas again, god, he wished he could take Charlie’s advice, just let himself be happy, pull Cas in and kiss his newly clean shaven face. But Sam was there, and they had bigger fish to fry. It would have to wait. So it waited. Time after time after time Dean thought about doing it but it was never right and it had to be, it was Cas, he deserved perfection.

He left it. They argued, they always argued, he hurt Cas, Cas lied to him, Cas left.

Going back to purgatory felt like thirty steps backwards and Dean had no idea how to cope with it. Cas held his cards so close to his chest, Dean felt like he was pulling goddamn teeth. The icy cold tone Cas directed at him would never stop feeling like a personal attack, and the fact that Cas was right, that he hadn’t been ready to forgive him, that felt worse. Because Cas knew how deep Dean was hurt, he knew better than anyone, and he still  _ left _ , he didn’t even try to make it up to Dean. That shit stung.

The third time felt like a tear down the centre of his chest, ripped open and left to bleed. Dean had been so sure. Never again, he’d never let Cas step foot in this nightmare again, he’d never lose him to the beige foliage and monsters. All over again, it hits like the nightmares he’d had for months after getting home. He can’t believe he let a stupid fight blind him to this memory, to the way this place won’t let him leave without taking a piece of him first.

The thought of never seeing Cas again, never being able to tell him… tell him he’s forgiven, christ, as if Dean could ever truly hate him. Tell him Dean owed him far more than his mother’s life, beg him to stay, just this once, forever. Could that be too much to ask? A final desperate plea, the human soul begging for its partner.

Prayer was never sacred to Dean, hell, he hadn’t believed in it ‘til he met Cas, but even then it was for a purpose, to get in contact with Cas, or some feather-assed bastard. Dean had only ever truly prayed, with his soul and heart bared and begging, only once. But now, falling to his knees in a forest so far from God and angels, no one but Cas could possibly hear him: he prayed.

He saw Cas in his mind, the trench coat, his scruff, his frown and laughter lines that only seemed to grow deeper in spite of his angelic grace. He begged, openly and unashamed, for love, for a  _ chance _ . Purgatory left no room for deceit, something about the endless grey light gripped Dean and wrung out the truth, no matter how deep he buried it. He couldn’t say it all though, not yet. He had to have courage, he had to tell Cas he loves him to his face.

Seeing Cas waiting for him at the meeting spot was the greatest relief Dean can remember experiencing. He pulled Cas into his arms, buried his face in his neck and desperately tried to breathe.

“Dean, you made it.” Cas’ voice echoed the gratitude Dean was overwhelmed by.

“I made it? Cas, I thought I lost you!” Dean pulled back enough to meet Cas’ gaze but didn’t let go of him. “I thought- fuck, Cas, I need to tell you something.”

Cas tightened his hold on Dean’s shoulder. “You don’t have to tell me, Dean, I know. I heard your prayer.”

Dean swallowed. “You heard?”

“I always hear you, Dean.”

Dean didn’t know what to do with that, he didn’t know how to tell Cas there was more.

“They’re still after me, Dean, we should hurry.”

Dean let go of Cas, let him lead them to the portal back to the bunker. Wished he could hold Cas close to him for just a little longer.

* * *

So Chuck was still out there, but they were still alive, they were home and safe, though they still needed to work out what their next move was, it felt a bit like a reprieve. And Dean couldn’t bear to let Cas out of his sight, he still hadn’t told him and there was no way he was letting Cas leave before he did.

“Dean, you require rest.” Cas pointed out, late into a pointless research session Dean had suggested for no reason other than Cas was looking on edge, like he did when he decided to leave.

“I’m fine.”

“Dean. What can I do to convince you to sleep?”

“Stay?” Dean all but begged, his exhaustion pulling down whatever was left of his filters around Cas.

“Dean.” Cas said, his voice soft, gently taking the book from Dean’s hands and putting it aside, turning back to offer him his hand. “You only ever need to ask.”

Dean inhaled sharply, taking the hand offered to him. Cas’ fingers slotted between his once he was standing, guiding him gently to his room.

“I’ll stay, wherever you want me.” Cas said as Dean took control and tugged him over the threshold and closed his bedroom door behind them.

“Cas, there’s something I didn’t get to tell you in purgatory, and I should’ve told you years ago. And I don’t want it to be something I never get a chance to tell you.”

“Dean, you don’t have to-”

“I do though, Cas, because if I died or you died and I never told you, I couldn’t forgive myself. Because I’m in love with you, Cas.” Dean choked on his own breath, holding back a sob. “I’m not someone who knows how to do this, love someone, but I do, I love you. You deserve to know and I want to show you, I want to tell you, I never want you to doubt it.”

Cas held Dean’s face between calloused palms, brushing away tears with the pads of his thumbs. 

“I love you too, Dean, more than anything. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Because you are so much more than what our enemies think you are, what you think you are. I’ve thought about telling you so many times but it never felt right, but you should know, I’ve imagined doing this a million different ways and I wholly intend to ensure you get a chance to hear every single confession I’ve ever imagined.”

Dean pulled Cas in by his tie, pressing a bruising kiss to his lips. Cas surprised him, quickly threading his fingers into Dean’s hair and kissing back, Dean suppressed a moan as Cas easily took control and pushed him back towards the bed.

“We will have time later, Dean, you promised me you would rest.” Cas tugged Dean around to the side of the bed and pulled off his coat.

Dean let Cas undress him, guide him through the motions of getting into bed, every step accompanied by gentle kisses and loving words. He fell into Cas’ embrace, breathed deeply and finally let himself relax. He didn’t know what would come next but Cas’ arms were around him and Cas’ fingers traced calming patterns on his back. Cas loved him. So for a moment things were okay.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first destiel fic I've published in about 5 years. I would like to think my writing has improved since my wattpad days but my taste clearly hasn't since I'm back in hell again so... hope you enjoy nonetheless :)).
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @girlsinthestars.


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